Tuesday, November 17th, 7:51 pm, I text my friend and let him know that I am in a bad space. The kind that could drown me and it was not looking pretty. We have gotten closer the last couple of months but he has not seen this part of me yet. The part that struggles to get out of bed and finds peace in the thought of life’s impermanence. After a few messages, I let him know that there is no cause for alarm, I just needed someone close enough to send a rescue boat to know that I was drowning.
When we lack clarity our minds are foggy and it is like walking through the darkness and seeing zilch. We barely make out the people or things in the confusion but we walk because our existence mandates that we keep moving. So we walk not knowing where we are headed lacking clarity and direction. My compass was altered because what seemed like a solid plan was disoriented by the decision to open myself up to the idea of liking a boy.
See when we lack clarity in our lives, we quickly clutch on to another area that will give us a sense of control. I lost my job but at least my relationship is working. I have been single a long time but my business is thriving. My finances are looking sketchy but my kids have a roof over their heads. We leverage what is working in our lives to absolve the failure we may experience in the other area of our lives.
I am currently in graduate school for an MFA. Two Africans in the program studying the art of making documentaries. The majority of my African brothers and sisters are here to study in two fields: STEM and Change the world courses. Being in a STEM course in America is a bonus in trying to find meaningful work and a work visa after school. Wanting to change your country and the world is honorable because that is how we got the greats like Kwame Nkrumah.
Yours truly is in the media arts. I want to make stuff and produce stories. That sets off all kinds of stability alarms because it sounds like you want to be an artist and that cannot be what you went to do with your life in America. I was feeling vulnerable because I literally have no idea whether the path less traveled that I have chosen will choose me. When the boy showed up at my door he offered redemption for my fogginess.
Ever watched the scene in any Transporter movie where everything crashes. The car skids in a parking lot, street chasing before the villain’s car goes off a cliff and Jason Statham who barely makes it stands and stares down at the wreck before walking away. His coat is torn and his face more colorful but still he wins. In this case, I am the wreck down the cliff and Jason Statham walked away from me because there was a woman waiting for him back at his safe house.
Any confusion that was there before was escalated into an episode of sadness. I was so sad that my eyes felt heavy and food became a foreign concept which led to the text to my friend. My aunt caught it on Facetime and she was having none of it. She prayed and worked with me to develop a recovery strategy. My mother, the strong-willed woman from Kirinyaga reminded me of where we came from.
It is not the boy walking away that made me sad but the reality that I was not sure of where I am going with my work. With no distractions, I had to fess up to God with the truth that I was feeling a bit lost. God is in the business of clarity. He literally said, ‘ Be clear and unafraid’.
Our lack of clarity often comes from the fear that the dream God put in us outweighs our abilities and defies our story. I ask you then if your goal is something you can achieve by yourself, what do you need Him for?
God woke me up this morning with the words, ‘be clear and unafraid’. We need to be clear about what He has said about us. Imagine how God must feel when you doubt yourself. He has given you the seed, promises to guide you, assures you that He will establish you and still you doubt. Our faith reflects our view of God. Oh yee of little faith, is your God small?
Yes, the dream to be on different platforms as a writer, speaker, producer and everything else God has not yet revealed is batshit crazy if you check my background. The good news, He is not depending on my background for His execution. Your dream to release an album looks dicey right now, God likes a challenge. That crazy dream is exactly what He needs to do what He does.
God needs two things from you, clarity and courage. Be clear of where He is leading you. That takes attentiveness and a listening ear. Courage. The decision to move in fogginess and trust that thy rod and thy staff comfort me (Psalms 23:4). Be clear and unafraid soldier.