Pleasant Loneliness

As she sat at her dresser, it all suddenly dawned on her. This is the loneliest she had felt in four years. The coral earing on her right ear proved to be a nuisance. She made a mental note to file a complaint with the store. The chatty sales lady promised that the earrings would stay the same for as long as she had them. Her ear throbbed and looked like a gummy bear.

“Fucking fake ads”, she muttered under her breathe.

She wondered why she had stopped drinking. A glass of wine would have saved her a load misery. At least temporarily. That was in the past. She instead chose life.  It all started with a beer at a friend’s party where her friend slept with her then boyfriend. The thought of the two sickened her. No wonder she drank too much that day. Meanwhile she had bled in the next room that she actually thought her uterus came out.  Her periods barely stable were made worse by the beer and angst from the noises creeping through the walls from the next room.

To her pleasant surprise the two turned out to be miserable. Her ‘best friend’ got married and bore another man’s child. Everyone knew and saw it but the poor bastard kept posting photos of the baby on social media with the shoddy caption, ‘family time’ and some slimy hashtag after that. The man became a man whore. He slept with everything with a pulse. His excuse, he had lost his virginity to her and now needed to sleep it off. Literally.

She had gotten over it all and with that she abandoned the bottle. She had a job and a decent one bedroom apartment but the cold in her room had permeated her heart. A cat would have been nice to just lurk in the hallway and purr in the morning but the thought of feeding it scarred her. There was nothing really repulsive about her save for her sporadic cave moments. Men approached her. Some women too.  How bold of them, she thought. No one stayed. They all somewhat disappeared after a couple of lousy dates and conversation that dragged on like an untreated flu.

The two men she had a possible future with were now married. One she found out today. Of all the days the universe had to pick today. She had been going through her day’s reading of the reader’s digest when she veered off to Facebook. There it was. A close up of his face with a blank stare. He never smiled or frowned, just blank.

He is married

He is married

He is married

She had chanted in the bus. An elderly woman quickly shot her a scornful look and while her neighbour shook her head. That did not sting her than the thought of not being enough for this man. They had had three years of savage sex and great conversations, mostly laughter. They talked easily to each other and pillow talk involved intelligent conversations about the economy or world politics. She loved it. The talks. Him. She loved him but never said it back when he boldly  did in the middle of Kimathi street. She kissed him instead and in that moment she knew she had lost him.

It haunted her all the way home and his ‘I love you’ brought uncertainty. On this day though, there was a sting at the sight of the white dress on the happy bride. It’s amazed her how brides looked so beautiful and ecstatic on their big day only for most of them to wear misery on their faces afterwards. Her father had warned that her negativity was the reason behind her situation. Her father referred to her being single as a situation.

Her bra needed to be disposed. She had had it for three years. It was faded and somehow it still fit. Thanks to her never growing breasts. She cupped one of them, then the other. What did a girl have to do in this world to get a cleavage without spending a coin?  She was too frugal to pay a plastic surgeon to pump the babies up. She wondered what men thought when they looked at her chest.


Did they even see them?

The thought of Mark jumped at her. This added on her lonely feelings tonight. He was everything that she dreaded. Comfortable, too happy, optimistic and just too open. But he was a good man. Genuinely cared for her and accorded her respect she had seen only in movies. He had bought her mother flowers not knowing that she loathed him. Through their two years of dating she had been in the trenches with him. It stank down there and the light seemed unattainable. She trudged on till she got tired and broke up with him shortly after their second anniversary. Now he looked better, spoke better and even dressed better.

She then stood at the mirror. Her stomach bulged out and her ass was flat. She needed to do some squats. The skirt had pressed on her waist the whole day and she unzipped her she could finally inhale. One of the things she liked is that she wore neon green underwear, matched with a black bra and no one judged her.

Her phone chirmed. It was Stanley. He was checking on her, at 9pm. How caring?

‘What?’ she quickly texted as she bent over into her fridge.

May be some chicken and Kachumbari. The cold from her fridge felt invigorating on her naked body that she considered a cold shower. As she warmed yesterday’s chicken, she played word bunny on her phone. Stanley had gone quiet. She hoped he was angry. Their one night drunken encounter had made him too possessive. It was enough that they shared the same flat.

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