We have all been in relationships we had no business being in. I tend to think that we sometimes over stay our welcome in somebody’s life. If you meet nice person whose season could use your gift, the automatic belief is that we must take up the role of being a partner.
I am guilty too.
At the risk of having this used against me when I become the next super minister (Hey Dr. Matiangi’), I get tired of starting and maintaining a relationship. With anything really. My dog Alice who I adopted at the verge of death has made work hard to earn her love and there days we have stare downs. She is one heck of an ice queen who will sometimes, key word sometimes, show some love. Deep down though, I know she cares. I was once wailing in the house; it was a rough day. Alice ran from outside onto to the sofa and started licking my tears. I told you she can fold in the name of love. I know we are #mutingRkelly but that phrase really works.
Back to dysfunctional relationships
I get tired of the work it takes to maintain relationships. That may also be a tell take sign that I get into the wrong ones. I am grown enough to know that I am the common denominator so that speaks more about me than the other person.
Miss Carol is a life coach, a great one at that. I got to hang out with her and we got into man talk. She told me that the kind of loyalty and love you show yourself is exactly what you will get back. That reminded me of the quote, you attract who you are. I once posted that on a Whatsapp group and got a lynching. The members of the group asked what good people had done to deserve bad things happen to them.
I posed that question to Miss Carol and she acknowledged that it is not your fault that someone decides to be an asshole to you. But it feeds something in you. Take my case for instance, I am a sucker for good stories. The I -overcame-my-past-to-build-an-empire kind of stories.
I begin to look for where I fit in and where I need to pull my weight. That happens too fast too soon. In about two months my spiritual brakes apply and I realize that while the empire looks amazing, I am not necessary supposed to see it to the end. Sometimes you are not meant to be Joshua. You will put in the work for 40 years then have a Moses moment.
“What part of you feels the need to want to be with someone who has overcome hell to get to where they are?” Miss Carol asks these kind of questions
I pull my weak loc at my hairline that is gradually growing after I invested in the Marini potent hair growth oil. It is literally my last hope for my long suffering hairline. I made the mistake of braiding my locs for the first two years, the ugly phase. Now I am paying for it.
“I think I worry that someone who has not worked hard to be where they are might not appreciate it as much and though they might be at the top, they cannot sustainably stay there.”
“Everyone has a different definition of hard work. That definition is limited to our experiences. For you, telling yourself that story over and over again takes away your responsibility of having hero’s syndrome in each relationship. So when it comes crashing then it’s not because of your shortcomings but the other person’s failure to receive your help that they did not even ask for in the beginning. Find out which part of you feels the need to go round fixing situations and people. What in your past triggers that bit of you?”
The truth hurts like a broken acrylic nail. It does. After my chat with her I went to my journal and I was too ashamed to write anything. I ate two plates of Pilau and gossiped with favourite aunty. The higher self was watching me try to not address what I had discovered that day.
We have two selves according to Miss Carol. The small self is the one that is influenced by the society, upbringing, titles and the environment. The higher self is the God part. The one that we call intuition or the still small voice. The part that pushes you to be better so that you can achieve what your assignment on God’s green earth. Too often we focus on the small self because that is what people see and we neglect the wisdom of the higher self.
After my small self has fed on food and some really juicy stories, my higher self was just staring at me waiting for me procrastinate this process. I didn’t. In my sleep I evaluated myself and prayed as well for guidance on how to deal with people. Then I understood that I need to deal with myself first and not reflecting my inadequacies on others.
The upside of this all is that ‘bad’ relationships though may seem like time wasters and energy vampires, they let you know what you like and don’t. Whether you want to admit it or not, they also teach you something about yourself that you do not know or choose to ignore. Alice has taught me that she gives love in small careful doses but when crisis hits she is loyal as fuck. So the part of me that needs her smoochies all the time needs to understand her approval validates me. May be because I feed her.
I will be back with the progress report.