Conflict and Conviction

Conflict and Conviction

There are tougher things than losing an iPhone auxiliary cable and having to buy another one and hope to God it was not manufactured in Kariobangi and transported by the SGR. Obviously I am having a hard time accepting that very soon there will be a mixed generation of small eyed children in Kenya. Hey South Africa, I am sorry for any fun I poked at you it was all in good faith.

Faith. Yes faith. I am struggling with my faith.

Not in a Puerto Rican kind of way where I want God to prove to me that he exists. Neither is it for a reason enough for a God’s Not Dead sequel. I am struggling with myself and what I stand for. Recently an acquaintance mentioned that I was not being myself. He was right even though I vehemently denied any change in character.

‘I am okay. I promise. May be I am just fatigued. ’I replied in the Kenyan kind of way we do to have conversation move along.

Every day in my life I am walking in purpose with platforms where I get to make someone’s day better, be it with a verse, a song or a story. The world is too loud and every day I hope you can find some sanity for just three hours. I can do that easily, not because I am the be all and end all, I run to God every morning to seek Him and ask for guidance. Read Holy Spirit. See I am not struggling with God being the centre of my life. It’s everything else.

How can I be a believer and stand for what is right and correct what is wrong without the other person feeling condemned and shunning the Christian faith forever? Can I do the Keke challenge and still speak the word Monday evening? Can my RnB that carried me through the crazy teens be my music haven when I feel a bit lonely? When the conductor dodges me four times with my change can I whisper a curse word and still be saved? When a driver cuts me in traffic owing to the Learner’s tag and I get mad road rage can I still be called a follower of Christ?

As a people pleaser in my previous life, I kept my faith a secret. If you asked if I was saved and loved Christ accepting him as Lord and Saviour, the answer was yes. However, I did not volunteer the information during small talk. It would cost me my (non-existent) career and people would flee if they found out. How would I be a creative and be ‘confined’ in the teachings of the word of God?

To a mature believer, this is the whining of a young believer. Young not in age but in practice of the faith.  I have talked to different people in the industry who are believers and around my age. The feeling is mutual. There was a fear to confess values that they stood for because they would rather not risk opportunities because of the cross.

Truth, I only got opportunities that mattered when I wholly accepted my faith and prayed for clarity in everything that I did because when all is said and done, I would like a legacy that has meaning. I know what is achievable if I put fear aside and boldly embrace what God has for me. Scratch that, I meant I cannot even fathom what God has for me because it is beyond my imagination. There is a fear that I will lose my youth that I cannot get back. What if it does not work having sacrificed so much to do good for the masses?

Recently a believer told me that these are the lies of the enemy and I needed to change my thoughts and pray. Easy said but being on the fence, though uncertain,  feels safe. Oxymoron. In my mind I worry that I will disappoint God so I would rather live like a decent human being than embrace the task with everything in me and fail. However with this conflict I am not at peace because there is always that still small voice that reminds you that God does not give a spirit of fear. I know that in my core. It is my daily conviction.

May be I will soon be less afraid.

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