When Boniface Mwangi put up a post asking for recommendations, specifically, a lady photographer to gift a camera, three people contacted me to ask if I would be interested. Reason? I was once a photographer for slightly over two years. However, I have not held my camera in a year. I still have it because I cannot bring myself to sell it, as it was gifted to me by an amazing person in my life who believed in me. I have considered gifting it but something still tells me to hold on to it.
This was not the story I wanted to share today .
BUT a good friend challenged me a couple of weeks ago when I told her that I was launching my blog. Her first question was, what will set you apart? She is a very deep and intense person but that still took me by surprise. The challenge to me was to candidly share what has been a roller coaster of a life bits by bits and just pull back the mask.
“I don’t have a mask.”
“Everyone has a mask,” she said and moved on.
One of the three people who wanted to recommend me last saw me four years ago but they knew that I was a photographer. That is because I actively marketed myself on Facebook. It started in 2014.
I had just come from doing a project in Malindi. There was a play that Eugene Oyoo, a stage and art director, was working on. I asked him to have me on board as a stage manager and he agreed. It was something I had done for years at the Phoenix Players Theatre. While there I met an amazing woman who was going to be one of the best bosses I would ever have. Joyce Musoke got me on a project that would keep me busy for a couple of months, may be even a year. On that job I met another lady who owned a photography company.
It was like stars had aligned because I had just gotten a camera and needed practice. She gave me that. The first thing I shot was a wedding of a celebrated actress but I did not know her then so that kept the pressure at bay. On that day I was shooting with people who had years of experience and they were patient, answered all my questions and taught me the ropes. Three months later I shot my first big budget wedding and I could not be more proud of myself.
That is the kind of person I am. A go-getter. If today I decided to be a break dancer, I would get to work. Sign up for classes, join a dance group and change my diet. The whole nine yards. The project that was supposed to last till mid 2015 was cancelled in February. I was left with this skill that I had only begun to master. It became my main hustle. I started doing it out of necessity. Clients’ faces began looking like those jumbo junior coin boxes. I had bills to pay. As I tried to please every client I began over compensating. Took too many photos. Offered a freebie here and there.
I then lost two relationships with people I genuinely cared for around the same time. Every insecurity I had was confirmed during that period. I was worthless, jobless, could not keep a man, let alone a job. The walls went up so quickly it’s like I had never broken them down. Negativity I had worked so hard to turn around came back even stronger. I hated everyone and everyone hated me. I remember I even lost my hairline. As I think back to it, it’s almost laughable.
One day at a wedding I met one of the best photographers in Kenya. He and his team worked so effortlessly that they reminded me why I wanted to do photography. Instead of seeing that as a chance to rekindle the fire for something I once loved, it became another reason to be bitter. Impostor syndrome checked in and reminded me that I had no business being a photographer. Let alone a female photographer.
I left the photography company and began doing it freelance. I actually got clients. Thank you for trusting me with moments of your life when you had no reason to. Sadly, most of the money I made went into covering running costs and I barely got by. Part of the move involved getting a work station at a production company. After four months there, as the year edged to towards the end, I was asked to leave the premises (story for another day). I remember going back to my house that day and stayed indoors for what must have been a couple of days. No calls. No human contact. Nothing.
The only thing I had going for me was a blog I had started with a friend. The next month Bloggers Association of Kenya (BAKE) held a training for writers at PAWA254. My friend and I attended it and it is there I would meet the man who would later be my boss and from him learn a great deal about online publishing. I would mention him but he abhors attention. My friend who co-owned the blog with me, was the last subject I did a proper photo shoot for. It was my going out project and the best thing I have done so far.
A year later I was asked to take photos for another project and for fear of disappointing the person, I agreed. He was someone I held in high regard. The minute I held that camera in my hands, I remembered the period in which the skill was borne; of shame, rejection, self-hatred and just being a horrible human being. I honoured the promise since I had been paid but that was the last day I packed my camera in its bag.
Am I a photographer? Yes. That is a skill that no one can take from me. But I am not a commercial one. I don’t know when I will take photos again, though I find myself taking mental ones. I think all my friends are conspiring to have me go back to it. They ask me to ‘just’ take photos even if I don’t put them up. For now I am happy acting, writing and working on a broadcasting career. I am God’s child undergoing construction. One allowed to evolve and so are you.
Njeri
17 October
Beautiful post Medrine. Taught me so much.
admin
17 October
Hello Njeri. Thank you for taking the time. I am glad you got something from it. It’s all about impact. Thank you
Kenn Omollo
13 April
Well written. I sunk with every word and rose up again with another. You have the art Medrine. Keep going.